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  • Writer's pictureBecky Swanson

All of Me

Updated: Feb 7

Who am I? This question sometimes haunts me. Who am I really? Without all that I have? When I strip away all that I have, being a wife, mom, daughter, friend what do I have left? I am super blessed and grateful for all that I have. I feel fortunate to have amazing family and friends and the life that I have. So, then, why does this question haunt me? Is it enough? And why isn't it?

I believe I have a deep understanding of my relationship with God. We talk all the time:) Most of the time I am feeling so grateful for everything. Then there are times I feel this void inside of me and I just can't seem to understand what it is. Where is it coming from? Is it a deep desire to know myself stripped away of all my external identities? I believe this has always plagued me. I tend to be a really deep thinker, which drives my husband crazy, but I have always felt this deeper connection inside me to the Universe and God. Which I believe we all have and can tap into if we quiet ourselves of all the outer noise of life. It is also a very lonely place. Feeling misunderstood or like no one really quite gets you.

I always think, get outside of yourself. Do for others, volunteer, start giving of yourself more, explore, do a project, find a way to give back. What I end up doing is dancing. Listening to music. Great! you'd think, right? Actually, that's just ignoring that feeling of being lost. Not really knowing who I am underneath it all. Who am I? Why am I here? I think to myself ("what a wonderful world", insert wink emoji, I can still laugh at myself..thank God for my sense of humor), maybe, just maybe, I am here to bring life to those around me. Take care of them and make sure they are happy and healthy. This fills my soul but, is also an identity. So, then asks the question once again...Who am I without who and all that I have in my life?

So, now I sound crazy and selfish, but for now I will learn to accept all parts of me. The happy, joyous, curious, (crazy), lost, emotional, unhappy, frustrated, angry, beautiful, giving, humorous, spiritual, caring, complex me and in the meantime have as much fun as I can. xoxo

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